DAY 28: The First Question, What Do You Want?

The first question came at me like an arrow.

“What do you want?” He asked me, as my nose was so full of snot from crying that I could hardly breathe.

My first thought, I was almost ashamed of: “I don’t have enough air in the world to tell you everything I want! Why are you asking me this? Can’t you see that I’m UPSET?!”

He asked again, calmly: “Babe… what do you WANT?”

Taking a deep breath, my brain started solving for that question, instead of the questions the devil had been pitching over and over, like “Why are you so stupid and emotional?” And, “Why is your life falling apart?”

You see, a lot of us don’t realize that our minds are dumber than we think.

Your brain will solve for whatever questions you give it.

It’s a machine, and it’s not the boss of you, you’re the boss of it.

If you ask it: “Why are you never okay?” Your brain is going to start coming up with an infinite amount of reasons as to why you’re broken.

Then, your emotions will follow suit in that direction.

However, if you ask it “What’s one way that you can make yourself feel a little better right now?” (more on this tomorrow,) it will start solving for that, too.

Landon asked again: “Baby, what do you want honey?”

My brain started to solve for ‘x.” I suddenly realized I was dealing with an immense amount of pressure I was 100% putting on myself regarding work.

I felt empowered by the dreams God had given me (I’m a definite visionary and seer,) but with all God shows me, when I can’t IMMEDIATELY implement it, it can frustrate and discourage me just as much.

I slowly but surely, word by word, started telling him what was going on. I told him my frustrations, my hopes and dreams, and that I felt inadequate to do all God had showed me. I felt limited and that it was my fault it all hadn’t come to pass yet.

I continued, “I want to help more women but I feel like I don’t have the time or resources to help everyone I want to help. Then, I get decision fatigue and on top of that I’m not properly prioritizing my day. I need to be more disciplined. I need to wake up earlier and go to bed earlier and overall get off my phone for more hours of the day. I need more structure. I need to sell more. I want to do all these things creatively but my business is taking all of my time, and I feel like I’m dying inside sometimes. I love what I do, but I don’t currently have a creative outlet to feed my soul. Being creative is like drinking water, I have to do it to survive and thrive. I feel empty, like a whole part of me is missing. Then I get down on myself that I can’t figure it all out.”

Landon: “Okay… some of that was good. Now let’s focus on the positive. Not what you should do, could do, or should have done… what do you dream about??”

Me: “Okay. Well. I want all women to wake up and love who they are inside and out. I want people to feel like they’re waking up with purpose, not judgment. I want to build a huge production facility in Omaha that houses TV shows, musicians, artists, and holds the best worship nights in the city. I want to see a million people saved in my lifetime. I want to make and give millions of dollars through writing, speaking, and coaching. I want to service any need I see, pay for people’s groceries, mortgages, and pay off their student loans. I want to travel to 50 countries by the time I’m 45. I want to get married and have 3 kids that are healthy and happy. I want to be a staple in the Christian world for women’s empowerment and see entire generations of women step into their calling, identity, and find their voices.”

As I let my dreams fly out of my mouth, the pain of the present emotion seemed to start fading away…

Landon: “How does that feel?”

Me: *with a slight attitude* Good I guess.

Landon: “What did that feel like specifically to think of what you’re going to do and who you’re going to help in the future?”

Me: “Well… Really good. Like… I see it in my mind’s eye. I know I’m going to do it, I just don’t know how and I feel like I’m the bottleneck to it all happening. I want it to happen today. I know I’m only 28 but I just feel like I should be farther.”

Landon: “Why do you feel like you should be farther?”

Me: “Because I surround myself with all these uber-successful people that inspire me, but also make me feel like I’m behind. I just want all the answers”.

Landon: “Don’t we all. Well honey, you’re not behind. Do I have permission to coach you on this?”

Me: “Yes.”

Landon: “Really?”

Me: About to punch him but also grateful. “Yessssss-uh!”

Landon:  “Okay. You’re not behind. You’ve been Miss Nebraska twice, you’ve built a company from $100 to an empire, and you have meaningful relationships that fuel you with joy and happiness. You have a heart of gold and the reason why you’re frustrated is because you care so much about people, which is an amazing thing. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I understand that part of your frustration comes from not knowing the “how…”

Me: “Yeah…”

Landon: “So that brings me to my next question… What’s one thing that you can do right now to get the process of your dreams started?”

I paused to think. My brain started to solve.

To see how the rest of the conversation went, I hope you read the rest of this week!

The biggest takeaway I want you to get out of today, is that we need each other, and we need people who reflect the Godly fruits of the spirit like love, patience, long-suffering, and perseverance. Part of what you’ll see this week that provided so much instant breakthrough out of what could have turned into a spiral of mental-ill health, was just having one person willing to sit with me who genuinely cared. Who was willing to make what seemed SO big in the moment, appear small. Who brought the love of God on the scene to comfort me in my weakness.

Reader, God wants to do the same for you.

I’ll see you tomorrow.